Time for a Break

While Summer is winding down and kids are heading back to school, I am ready for my vacation. Not a real vacation to somewhere warm and tropical, although that doesn't sound too bad either, but a vacation from all of the stress of infertility. Well, that is exactly what we are doing. After this week, no more weekly treatments, charting my temperature, testing my ovulation, assigning days of the week for sex, taking a lot of supplements, seeing specialists, getting blood drawn, eating or avoiding certain foods or obsessing in my head about what else I should do! Just making the decision to stop all of this has felt like a relief and a much needed vacation. We have been actively trying for over two years and weren't preventing anything for about three years before that. For now, I give up. I surrender. I had to wrestle with the idea that taking a break wasn't a form of quitting. I felt if we stopped everything and it all came to a halt I was quitting and admitting failure. I am not there yet, but Andy said to me recently he could be truly happy still if we never had kids. That was a big game changer for me. We are so busy and developing two businesses right now that I thought why am I doing all of this? So, I came to the conclusion it was break time. We may at some time in the future go back to trying and step it up by having a procedure or two done, but not now. We will know when the time is right. I hope this can be a true time of rest and fulfillment for us as we are putting our lives on a new course. I am now headed into a season of vacation and it feels great!

What to Say to Your Man About Infertility

It is hard for most men to understand this process and what we go through on a daily basis. Forget infertility... how about PMS, menopause and everything in between? I always say to Andy I just wish you could walk in my shoes for only one day! That is all it would take! He is extremely understanding and supportive as you may know from my other blog posts. I couldn't ask for more from him. Some don't have it so easy. Recently, a man (not my husband) said to me that I just need to focus my mind harder on having a baby. He explained it is all in my mind and the mind controls the body, etc. I just started sobbing. If only he realized how much of my mind does focus on this. In his defense, he was trying to be helpful and perhaps didn't know how much I think about this daily. My mother-n-law, who is very wise, explained it best like this, telling a woman to "just think about it and focus" is like telling a man he can no longer have sex and not to think about it. Just relax and focus and it will happen...but it doesn't. Would that be torture for your man? Welcome to my world. Relax, sure. Focus, okay. Just let go and it will happen...trying. Perhaps use this analogy for your partner to understand a glimpse of what you are experiencing.

Also, here is a good article where Bill Rancic of The Apprentice fame discusses his struggles with infertility that he and his wife Guiliana Rancic from E! News face and how they deal with the issue.

http://www.bettyconfidential.com/ar/ld/a/bill-rancic-on-infertility-hope-and-keeping-things-sexy-with-giuliana-rancic.html?pageID=1

When Do You Try Something Else?

Here is a great article I had to share that I came across on the RESOLVE website...it hit me where I am right now. We are approaching August and that is when my doctor wants to move on and try something else. Medication, IUI, hormones...what to do next? Acupuncture has been great but I seem to be getting worse these last 2 months! I am also on Progesterone if I ovulate after day 14 and it is making me weird...so weird I stopped taking it this month. SHH! Don't tell my doctor! I am very frustrated and super busy with career stuff and honestly wondering about taking a break from it all for awhile. My only issue is I feel like I would be wasting valuable time. What to do? Maybe this article will help you solve that mystery too...enjoy!

Is It Time to Move On?

by Penny Joss Fletcher, M.A., LMFT
Published in the Summer 2011 issue of Resolve for the journey and beyond
Whether you have done three cycles of the same treatment or ten cycles of a variety of treatments, when you are not successful in conceiving and bringing a baby home, you will be asking yourselves what to do next. How are you to know when enough is enough?
First, consider taking a break from treatment if you are feeling extremely overwhelmed. This will give you a chance to recuperate from the daily doctor visits and medication injections. It will also allow you to experience what it feels like to not be on the infertility rollercoaster. You may decide that you do not want to get back on it or you may find yourself enthusiastic to begin the next step.
When you find yourself at a crossroads about what to do next, start by assessing how much the treatment process has affected you up to this point. What’s the status of your resources – finances, time, emotional energy, physical energy, social support?  Are you morally, ethically or religiously comfortable with the next treatment options offered? Maybe you do not really know anymore how you feel and need to check in with a mentor, a trained counselor or a support group member? Be sure to take into consideration the diagnosis and prognosis you have received from your physician. It is not necessary to have tried everything available but to know you have given it your very best effort respecting your physical, emotional and financial resources.

Research and Soul Searching

Some couples are not going to be on the same page at the same time. Communicating about your needs, opinions and emotions must stay active. If you believe your feelings are not being heard, or you can not understand your partner’s feelings, seek help from a mental health professional who specializes in reproductive medicine.
Who is responsible for saying that treatment should stop? Is it the physician or the patient? The bottom line is that the patient is the one who has to take on the ultimate responsibility. No physician can give guaranteed results – positive or negative. What you should be able to receive from your physician (and/or a second opinion) is what all of your options are and an assessment of your chance for success.  Many physicians say that after doing a treatment 2-3 times without conceiving, it is time to move on to something new.
Sometimes people continue medical treatment to avoid the grief and loss of not reaching their goal of conceiving a child. Avoiding painful feelings will not make them disappear. Experiencing the sadness and starting the grieving process individually or together as a couple can be an integral part of the decision-making process about what to do next.
Some questions to ask yourself to help you determine whether you might be ready to stop treatment are:

• Is it difficult to be hopeful as you start a new cycle?
• Are you feeling resentful that you’ve put so much of your life on hold in order to pursue parenthood? 
• Has your relationship lost its passion and joy? 
• Is the idea of being a parent more important to you than being pregnant?

Many people going through infertility treatment could answer “yes” to many of these questions every now and then, but if you find yourself answering “yes” most of the time, then it may be time to reset your family-building goals.

Do research on all of your options – third party reproduction, adoption, childfree living. Talk to people who have taken those routes to find out if you can picture yourself in their shoes. Being open to all possibilities does not mean you have to accept all possibilities. It just means you consider them so that you can make a thoughtful and informed decision that fits your life.
Nothing and no one can guarantee that you will not have regrets because every decision we make leaves the decision not followed open for regret. The goal for this moment is to anticipate, as best you can, what your regrets might be when you look back on today’s choices. Fifteen years from now you might say, “I wish we had done one more IVF.” Or “I wish we had tried donor eggs.” Or “I wish we had adopted.” But you might also say, “I wish we could have had children, but we tried our best.” We learn to live with our choices and build a life beyond them.
Knowing whether to stop infertility treatment is a major decision that cannot be made in an instant. When you take into consideration all of the recommended steps discussed here, you will come to the decision that is right for you.
Penny Joss Fletcher, M.A., is a licensed marriage and family therapist with a private practice in Tustin, California, specializing in infertility and adoption issues. She has been a volunteer and support group leader for RESOLVE Orange County for over 15 years and is also an active member of ASRM’s Mental Health Professional Group. She can be reached at (714) 730-7996 or through her website at www.infertility2adoption.com.

Acupuncture for Fertility

I have not posted in awhile because I have been super busy! We just got back last week from New York City for vacation and to promote my Children's book. I love, love, loved New York City and my acupuncturist told me there is something to that New York tap water and baby making!

So we will see...

Speaking of acupuncture, this is what I want to focus on for my blog today. I have been undergoing fertility acupuncture for almost 5 months now at a wonderful place in San Diego called, Galena Acu Spa. My acupuncturist, Jeneanne Paden, is wonderful and the clinic has two locations in La Jolla as well as a great success rate for pregnancy.

I was recommended to use acupuncture as a more alternative treatment for fertility as well as it helps to relax the body and mind.  I am someone that hates needles and still cringe and feel light-headed when I go for blood work, especially with all of the testing for fertility purposes lately. I say all this to explain I am not a fan of being poked and prodded, but I LOVE acupuncture! I would have never thought I would actually look forward to the sessions and do not want to miss a single one. For me I go every week and I can't wait to get in there and fully relax. It is like a massage but you relax even deeper. The spa I go to is set up in such a way it is like going to a retreat and not a clinical medical facility. The room is dimly lit with a warm massage table and you lay listening to soft music while the needles are not even noticed, yet they send me into such a deep wave of relaxation my body turns to jello. After about 45 minutes of this the acupuncturist comes in takes out all of the needles, gives me a 15 minute head, neck and then foot massage. If this is fertility treatments then sign me up!

I almost feel guilty that I get to go and be so pampered every week, but I keep reminding my husband it is all for the sake of having a baby! I don't have the space to include it here but there is a growing significant amount of research showing that acupuncture for and in conjunction with other fertility treatments is becoming very reliable. It is not what I always envisioned of the ancient Chinese practice, it is better! It has helped me in so many ways and even gotten me off my thyroid medicine and I sleep so much harder and more restful. If it is something you are considering I say try it!

Here is a link if you want to check out where I go...

Galena AcuSpa and AcuFertility

Less Than Perfect

As I was listening to Pink's new single it struck a cord with me. Today is a rough day for really no other reason other than I thought I was pregnant and the reality is I am not. For once, I really don't want to go into details because I just feel over this whole process.  Even with all the good things that are going on in my life and I am truly excited about, I still feel "less than perfect." In the song, Pink asks the listener to not feel less than perfect. We beat ourselves up for so many reasons as women...the way we think we should look, how we should act, or what we should be able to do. I have struggled with all three of these areas at some point in my life. I am still a work in progress. I just struggle with the fact that something so natural and easy that I should be able to do I cannot at this point. It makes me feel less than perfect.

Things with my book are going well and I have been given great opportunities to work with kids in classrooms all over San Diego. I have a book signing this weekend. I am going to New York City next week with my husband and friends. While I am there we are also going to this big book/media convention and I am thrilled about the opportunities and people I get to meet. I am going to a breakfast session with Julianne Moore and get to meet her and get her book autographed. On the other hand, my husband and I are starting another business venture together that we are so excited about and also get to do some more traveling. We are really a bonded team right now and closer then ever, even with all of the stresses of a new business and this infertility stuff. I share all this to say one thing. I am blessed way beyond what I should be right now. I am at a point in just about every area of my life where I am content and perfectly happy. Yet I still feel less than perfect. I still wake up some mornings and feel like a huge failure. It sucks. Today is one of those days. So there it is. I am flawed. I need more in my life. I will not feel at peace until I have a child. I always want more and am not satisfied. I am a work in progress.

Infertility Myth Busted

  Myth:   Infertility isn’t a disease. 

According to the RESOLVE website, " Yes, it is. According to the dictionary, a disease is a “disordered or incorrectly functioning organ, part, structure, or system of the body”. Infertility in either the male or female partner is in fact directly due to some malfunction in the body, whether it be hormonal or structural." 

So there we have it. Now I realize why I am suffering. A part of me is diseased, incorrectly functioning. What I don't understand is my reproductive organs are the ones not functioning yet why is it my heart that hurts so bad? 

I have mentioned earlier in my blog when my doctors tell me I have unexplained infertility they are just empty words to my empty womb. If someone has a diagnosis of cancer or diabetes, do they beat themselves up? Do they cringe when they see healthy people? Do they cry at the thought of attending a birthday for a healthy friend? This is why I hate my disease. Not only do I have a part of my body not functioning, but at times it robs me. It steals my joy. It makes me avoid happy events like baby showers or christenings. I see women pushing strollers in the park and look away. Not because I despise them. I envy them. I long for what they have. I think what is wrong with me? 

Like so many fellow sufferers of infertility I have good days and bad days. On good days I pass the moms in the park and smile. On bad days I look away and feel a tear come to my eye. On good days I go with a friend to lunch and play with her toddler. On bad days I stay home or go somewhere with a single friend. This "malfunction of my body" may steal moments from my life, but I am determined to not let it dominate me. 

I don't understand my miscarriage and the last two years of infertility. I can't explain why some medicines and alternative therapies work for others and not for me. All I know is this disease may control my womb, but it will not control my spirit! Like I have stated previously, I needed and still need an action response to my grief. That is why I wrote my children's book and that is why I get out of bed everyday and even write this blog. Whether or not I will ever conceive a child on my own is up to God, but the day I stop sharing my story or listening to the heartaches of other women and lift my head high with hope will be the day the disease wins. And for now, it will NOT be this day!

Click Here to learn more about the basic understanding of infertility 

Click Here for more on the background of National Infertility Week 

L.A. Times Article

Here is a link to a great L.A. Times article out today. 

My Turn: What to expect when we're not yet expecting

It discusses what not to say to women with infertility. I know all of us struggling with these issues have heard various "suggestions" and "advice." I like how the author of this article talks about when people say, "why don't you just..." Like we haven't already thought of that! Like why don't you just adopt? Because it really is that easy. I am sure there is plenty of this "advice" to go around. My favorite one lately is you HAVE to try this medicine...and then the next person I talk to says DO NOT try that medicine it is horrible and you will feel terrible. I guess it is all perspective and whatever works for them. I know people try to be helpful, but not saying anything at all and just giving someone a hug can be the most comfort. I think about the story of Job in the Bible and he had gone through terrible situations losing his family, his home, his health and all of his friends came to support him. For a long time they just sat with him not saying a word and according to Job that was extremely comforting. Then they opened their mouths and told him why they thought all these terrible things had happened, what he should do, and how it was even his fault! Maybe they should have kept their opinions to themselves...as someone very wise once said, "Better to keep silent and be thought a fool, then to open one's mouth and remove all doubt." Let's just remember, advice and suggestions may be helpful, but just keeping quiet and listening is a great gift!