It has been almost 9 months since I last posted about taking a break and the anniversary of losing our baby. I have deliberately chosen not to keep posting because I have really not known what to say. I guess I thought one day I would come here to say either we are having a baby or we have decided to not have children and move on. These last few months have continued as such an incredible time of emotional and spiritual growth that I feel grateful for all I have had the opportunity to do.
Only a few people know this story, but I feel it appropriate to share here. When we lost our baby back in 2009, the day after the miscarriage I remember sitting home alone and trying to process all of my feelings. I can still remember where I was sitting in our living room and how I was just searching and trying to feel some sort of hope in this whole situation. My usual go to any other difficult time in life was to reach for the Bible and find scriptures that would comfort me. This day nothing was calling out to me and I as I kept flipping I literally said aloud to God, "Help me out here! I need something comforting!" The next page I opened was in John chapter 16. Now anyone who has had an experience like this can validate it is only by the divine ability of God to open your eyes and show you exactly what he wants to say and what he wants you to hear. That day I received a promise one day my joy would be complete that I knew was meant just for me.
The scripture reads like this,"Very truly I tell you, you will weep and mourn while the world rejoices. You will grieve, but your grief will turn to joy. A woman giving birth to a child has pain because her time has come; but when her baby is born she forgets the anguish because of her joy that a child is born into the world. So with you: Now is your time of grief, but I will see you again and you will rejoice, and no one will take away your joy." -John 16: 20-22
I have had the scripture on a bulletin board in our kitchen for 2 1/2 years. Most days I would wonder if it would ever come true! I even many times doubted it would ever happen for me. Part of my journey these last few months I had even given up this promise and desire to have children. I tried to really surrender this desire to God and asked Him to even take it away. Well as you may know, anytime you turn something back over to God he just keeps on giving and blessing.
On January 1 of 2013 we are due to have our joy completed! God does keep his promises always and Andy and I are excited to announce we are expecting a baby! I am almost 14 weeks and we saw the baby on an ultrasound this week and it was so thrilling. Everything looks good and the baby was very active. At one point it even raised his arm and looked like it waved at us. It was funny. I felt like again God gave us a little nod there that the baby was doing okay and He was in charge as He always has been. That scripture is still in my kitchen, but now an ultrasound photo of our baby is just above it.
Anyone who has followed our story of trial and triumph or if you are reading this blog for the first time, I want to make one thing clear. This has not been an easy journey and there are still many anxious days ahead, but I am confident in one thing. God always keeps his promises and he wants to bless us. He is a caring Father who is ready to help us with anything we are going through. If you surrender your desires and hopes to Him, you will not be disappointed! He is faithful even when we are faithless. God bless!